Define my life

Frustrate verb definition: thwart, disappoint  synonyms: baffle, beat, conquer, dash one's hope, discourage, dishearten, give the run around, upset the apple cart.

My job frustrates me.

My job baffles me, beats me, conquers me, dashes my hopes, discourages me, disheartens me, gives me the run around (that's an understatement), my job upsets the apple cart. I had to put a little humor in there.

Anytime I try to be upbeat, try to be positive, something else comes and "dashes my hopes." I'm really not as "boo hoo" as I'm saying in this post. I'm mostly exhausted. I just don't care anymore. Sometimes I just need to say something because no one understands. No one gets this job, the crap I've been put through. Even if I had the time to tell the story, I can't convey the emptiness I feel walking down these halls that I once looked forward to each morning. It meant progress, learning, science !

So this isn't a pity party. It's just me, venting, to a blog that I can reread later and understand those feelings I've had for 10 months now... goodness. It's been 10 months.

Here's to a new month. Maybe things will start to look up in August. Crazy it's almost August.

Two weeks in a row!

Not too shabby if I say so myself. I find myself going through the week looking for stuff to remember to share later. Usually I forget them. But oh well. It makes me notice things more. It's fun.

So there's a lot going on in my head. So many decisions. I wish I could just make one big one, and not have to do anything else for a while. Just live off that decision... too bad. So I feel bad for being a downer but I've been working in this new lab for about two weeks. I know, two whole weeks Haley, keep your mouth shut. But it's a joke. I wish I could draw a diagram so you could understand the chaos that is my job. So I'll use words you don't know, but just pretend and nod like you know what I'm saying. If you really want to know what stuff means, just ask.

So from day 1 I'm working with Dr Wang. But during vacation, she emails me and says ask Dr Norton what I'm doing. He then tells me I'm working with Molly on her project (I love Molly, btw. We have too much fun. It's probably not allowed but it makes time go by so much faster). I figure I'm working on her stuff since she's a student volunteer who's leaving at the end of this week (tear) and then I can just pick up where she left off. Sounds great so far. Then later that day, oh never mind, you're new priority is going to be this grant project that should have been done years ago...uh, ok. Fine by me. I don't care what I'm doing as long as I know what I'm doing. So Paula & I are on this grant project and we'll do it and it will get done in a month-ish and then NEXT. Except we don't know how to do this. Apprently no one does. Apparently those who have "done" it don't know how to do it. And change their story every other day. "It worked last time" or "This never worked! It's a waste" so... what have you been doing for 2 years with these people's money? Who knows. And it's like everyday is up in the air: are we doing the experiment? are we not? are the calculations done? are they not? we need to order something, is it here yet? seriously? one week for one experiment. It should be 1 day for 1 experiment. No joke. Whatever.

I really do like the project I'm working on with Molly. Except no one can give me straight answers about how things work, primers, PCR, rolling circle, etc. Come on! You people have been doing this for-EVER how don't you know how it works. I'm the kind of person that needs order, that needs clear instructions and needs information if you want me to understand. I mean, I can just be a lab monkey and follow protocols and plug along. If something goes wrong I'll be clueless and have no way of analyzing and troubleshooting. I'd love to do that. "No thinking required" but that's not what you want from me. You want me to think, to deduce, to figure stuff out. How can I when I only have parts of the puzzle. Arg.

So with that set up. I need a new life plan. Cause this won't work for 2 years (less than!) and there isn't much popping up.  So my dear friend Sammy said she gets her tuition paid for by Rutgers as long as she works full time. Silly me, I promise I read when I first started that Marshall would cover one class for me while I work full time if it was relevant to my job. Scratch that. I don't want anymore bio classes (This is a lie now. I'd love a refresher. I'm so dumb to this stuff now!) After some research, guess what ! As long as I've worked past the probationary period (which I have) I'm eligible for tuition waver.. Say What ! I sent some emails out and am waiting on info. So we shall see. I'd really love to get into that masters program (not sure if I've said anything about it) but briefly, sorry if I repeat, it's a masters program to get your teaching cert. if you already have an undergrad degree, which I do. So bio/science teacher it is (yuck, math please?). And its I think 39credit hours and that's doable in less than 2 years, which is what Chris has left. Tada ! New life plan :] unfortunately I'm too late to get into the program this fall, but spring is just around the corner. Hopefully, I'll hear back from info people and get something going. In the mean time I'm looking at silly classes to take this fall if I can: mythology, art history, spanish, stuff I couldn't ever take when I was undergrad cause I had a crazy intense science schedule.

The only downfall, is putting so much on hold if I have to work full time and classes full time. Not fun. So we'll see what the people say. Hopefully I only need to work certain hours (less than full time, please!) and then I can get the tuition help, but who knows. I love how things work out. And they don't just simply work out. Previous post: gotta love His plan :] He definitely knows what He's doing in my life. God answers prayers in three ways: Yes, No, or I have something better.

Why didn't I get that other job that would have been amazing! I kicked and screamed and cried. Why am I still at Marshall ! If this works out, maybe that's why... I wouldn't have had a way to pay for it if I left this job. Maybe I need this teaching cert for the future. Who knows. I don't. So I'll just keep doing what I do.

Bring on the Toys*R*Us song

I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys*r*us kid... etc etc.


Boy oh boy does being a grown up have its set backs. I remember looking at grown ups when I was little like "wow! they sure have got it all and know everything ! i can't wait to be just like them" and now... where are those grown ups who know everything? Cause it sure as heck isn't me !

I've decided I don't like making decisions. Well, except for that decisions to not like decisions. But I've known this for quite some time. I don't like to choose. Just tell me what to do and where to go. Unless I really don't like something. Then I'm ok making the decision against it. Are you confused yet? Welcome to
my brain !


So Chris has been looking into buying a car to replace mine Elantra for forever. We wanted to sell mine and then find a good deal and ta-da! New car for me. But, no calls from anyone interested in my car for 3 weeks. Even posting it on Craigs List and reducing the price. Chris is tired of putting money into the repairs and stressing about me getting stuck on the side of the road (oh, it happened). He wants a piece of mind. I understand. This is one thing I don't get stressed about. Maybe because all his paychecks go towards fixing it and I don't see the actual cost. And I honestly don't care when I get stuck on the side of the road as long as I have my handy dandy kindle. But he's sick of it. We've looked online at everything from Cleveland to NYC and Virginia and Myrtle while we were there. Nothing seems to be good and cheap anymore. Even cars that are 150k+ miles are so expensive. What's up with that! Well he went to a St Albans dealer and found one he really liked. He wanted me to really like it so we went to check it out. 3 hours later, a few phone calls and about a million signatures later, I'm a proud new owner of a Toyota Matrix. YAY! I've always wanted a Toyota. They last for-ev-er! And it's a Matrix which my mom always said she could see me driving around it since she first saw a Matrix. 

Isn't she pretty ! She wasn't cheap. Nothing is these days. But our car payment (ouch, that hurts to say) is cheaper than what I was paying to pay off my car before. And insurance won't go up by much (yay, and dangit, I gotta call them! Someone remind me later!) 

I love her tho. She's pretty, drive so different. She's newer than my old car. 2001 vs 2008. I gotta get used to that. But she's pretty. My beautiful Melody Matrix <3 I love naming cars. My Elantra's name was Elvira!

I just realized through this whole thing how hard it is making decisions. And this is something that isn't even going to affect my life forever and ever and ever. It's a big decision, don't get me wrong. Debt and car payments and loans are scary and in this economic climate, probably not the smartest move. But if I freak out about these kinds of decisions, what about the ones that really matter... Like having children, teaching and raising those children. What about when they start making decisions, and ask me questions and Ah ! And jobs. Ugh, I want to find something else. I want to take the risk, but it's so scary. What if its not good either, what if it's not enough. There's just so many variables (that's my science brain talking). 

My comfort is knowing nothing is set in stone. We can always try again. Yeah, we will always have consequences, (ie debt, bad credit, payments, etc) but knowing I'm human and I can make mistakes comforts me. That's why we came here. We knew we'd mess up, knew we'd make mistakes, again and again. But we were so excited for this life anyways, because we knew we'd learn. We knew we would return to our Heavenly Father better because of it. So I keep trying to tell myself when I get that scary little flutter in my stomach, it's ok. Heavenly Father is watching and He'll take care of me. Especially when it comes to the children thing. What better time to help me than when it comes to having and raising His sons and daughters. He's a parent. The perfect parent. Why not go to Him when I'm freaking out about that stuff. (Side note: no I'm not pregnant. Don't ask. I'll pee on a stick for you if you don't believe me!) I'm a planner and I think of these things. And people say things and they make me think of these things. So I'm always thinking of these things ! And I plan. 

But luckily I just have to have faith in one plan :] His.

Relax

So life has been wonderful this last three weeks I guess. Girls Camp was amazing ! I loved it ! It was super hectic and I probably cried/wanted to cry like 100 times. It's always so stressful until its over. I just try to control too much. I want things to go perfectly and they never do. Ever. So I get frustrated cause it's not going how I planned. "But it's in the notebook like this, so it has to go like this !" just doesn't work at camp.  And I realized I was missing the point. The point of camp isn't a schedule or the plan. I was in charge of devotionals, the spiritual part of camp. The big group things every night. Instead of just letting them happen, instead of the girls getting those lessons and refueling I would rush and cut things short and basically let them miss out on amazing lessons. Shame on me! I finally caught on. After a lot of prayer and humbling, I had to stop. I stepped back. I had to stop controlling the Lord's work. I was just supposed to be a tool in His hands, not the master. That's His job. And things didn't go how I wanted, but I'm the tool. I just had to stop. And we had amazing things happen. Amazing activities. Oh I love learning lessons, even if it's the hard way. Please refer me to this post next year when I'm freaking out again.


All in all it was a good week. My sweet husband surprised me and came into camp. It was awesome. I love when he does that. Except that it was 1am and he slept in the car. But he had a blast. The girls loved him. And I love him. I wonder when we'll start for next year. Haha

Then I had a down week at work since I was done working for one guy and was supposed to be working for the new people, but they wanted to wait until after all the vacations. So... I came to work. Sort of. I did bring my computer home, and I did work on stuff. Probably not 8 hrs of stuff, but I got my work done. Thank you. The only thing I can't get done requires a computer that's with IT and I have no control over that. Oh well. So I basically hung out with my brother while he was at our apt and worked on the computer stuff. Nice in between. Friday was hectic trying to get the last bit of work done and get ready for the beach and all that. Stress!

And then the beach. Oh the beach. I wanted to cry. Three years is too long. Way too long. I seriously feel rejuvenated. There's just something about the sun, the waves, the sounds, everything.  People would complain that there were loud people on the beach and I don't even notice. It all blends together in my head. And I was probably those annoying people once upon a time. Man I could write a million posts on the beach. Its my heaven. I missed it.


We had 17 people. Yup, in a 3 bedroom resort condo thing. Two full beds, two king beds, two couch beds and two blow up mattresses. We got the master bedroom the first three nights. Amazing ! Jacuzzi tub and our own bathroom, TV, everything. It was sweet. There wasn't that much drama as I thought with that many people, in that small of space. It's just so hard to coordinate so many wants. That was the frustrating part. And waiting. Ugh, so many wasted day light hours on waiting.  But it was a blast. The best vacation I've had in a while. I'll do the beach any day. Every day.

Wish I knew the people in the background tehe

So much love for this kid !

Ok so much for being brief about what I've been up to. I really had like a whole deep post I wanted to go into, but this seems long enough already.

I spoke too soon

I guess I should wait until the end of the day to post things. Who woulda guessed. So I post about nothing changing, nothing getting done and blah blah. Come to find out the "mis-communication" is at an all time high.

So... apparently, things were agreed upon for me to switch and work on this science grant between my boss and one of the guys in charge of the college of science part. Well, they both thought the other guy was going to talk to me. Two weeks ago. And no one has said anything to me. So yesterday my "boss" asks the other guy if its going well with me. And he's like uh... I haven't heard anything, did you talk to her ? And they had this uh... oops moment. So thankfully someone finally came to talk to me. Offered me the position to "help" do whatever on this grant they have. And they've been told by the state to hire someone to help. That would be me.

So now I'm 50% with the College of Science being the "helper" and then 50% with MIIR (my current dept) but no one can seem to tell me what that means... According to the COS I'm full time available to help... but what about my 50% to MIIR? So hopefully I get the call I'm promised that will tell me how to manage my time, and what my 50% to MIIR will be. Cause no one seems to know. Will I stay working with the guy I currently work with? Just do this ordering? Or actual research? No one knows.

So it's so bitter sweet. Yay- I have a job, I keep my paycheck, no lapse in money, still have benefits, etc etc the list goes on and on. No- Im still at Marshall. Thats all for that. Which may not seem like much. But UGH they're so horribly ran, and I'm sick of all this mess and no one knowing anything because no one talks to anyone ! I really am happy to not be poor at the end of the month. I'm happy there's no down time, I really am. But for 1/2 second I want people to be like yeah that does suck. I had an end day. I was outta this place. But... that was taken away too. Dang you Marshall!!

So yay for jobs. Even though no one can tell me what any of it means. What to do from here. But hey, I'll just keep the programmed answer "at least I have a job"

Other than that, things are great ! Just as stressful as yesterday. Same old :] Just thought I'd update all my riveted fans on my current job situation ! Enjoy !

Life in limbo

Well, not much has changed.  I'm not super angry or bitter or anything. I think I'm actually taking my life situation a lot better than Chris is. He's super stressed and I've decided I can't be. I've been stressed for too long. So I'm done. We've done so much to seek guidance, and help and anything direction. So, now we wait. We see how much faith we have and hope it's enough to do something.

So no jobs. No interviews. I'm being considered for a job I was already turned down for once. Not much hope there, but I wish it would work out. It would be such a blessing & answer to our prayers. Other than that, there really isn't much going on concerning jobs. Chris can't get hired anywhere. He's applied a few places, and we went to a job fair yesterday. Not much for a biology major with 3 yrs experience. But hey, maybe something for him.  I was thinking they need to have a reverse job fair. Let me make up a posterboard with my info, experience, jobs, what I can do, etc and have employers walk around and talk to each person. I know websites do that. But I've had my profile "open to employers" for EVER and I only ever get those sales, insurance make $10,000 a week jobs. Lies. I think my idea is revolutionary.. personally.

What else. I'm stressed about everything else beyond capacity. We had a wedding a few weeks ago, so that was one big thing of our list. Beautiful by the way. And just when I think I have time to breathe, I remember we hadn't planned Girls Camp stuff yet. Hello procrastination! And now that it's planned, I'm noticing how long things take to get delivered. Everything needs to be rushed. Curse you procrastination! So freak out about not finding things, or too expensive things, or not going to get here until the week after girls camp. Grr... Then there's Sarah's shower to get ready in between. Which I'm super excited about since I have all these crafty pinterest ideas I want to use and finally get to use. I just feel so helpless and like time is ticking away and nothings getting done. I know ! Like when you dig a hole at the beach and no matter how fast or hard you dig the sides keep caving in and you're getting no where. Yup. That's me.

Oh and the other wedding this weekend. Thankfully our only contribution is Chris is a groomsmen. I'd die if we had anymore to do in that. It just seems like everyday there's something. Oh wait, because there is something everyday! But as much as I hate being this busy and stressed, I'd die if I had nothing to do.  I just want help. From people that aren't just as busy as I am. I need a P.A. I can't pay, are you interested? Comment with your resume below. :]

Anything else. 3 1/2 more weeks of this job. 2 full weeks plus the week I'll be gone for Girls Camp. Fun. Still haven't heard from my "boss" about the "job" he thinks will work out perfectly. Um, nothing against Marshall's HR but I don't see them processing a job in 3 weeks... or 3 months for that matter.

Well something good that I did this week. On Saturday, Chris and I went to the Temple in Columbus. It had been a year since my Aunt Jessica died. I still can't believe it. Anyways, in the Temple, we do work (perform ordinances, ie baptism, etc) for people that have died without having the opportunity to do their own work. You have to wait a year. So Saturday was a year to the day and Chris and I went to do part of her work and then my uncle in Denver will do the other part with his wife. I'll give more details if you want to know. You know how to find me. But it was really hard, to be there, doing her work because it meant she's actually gone. It meant she really has been gone for a year and its all real. Even during the ordinances, they have you say the name you're being the proxy person for, and it was so hard to say her name. Other peoples names you don't know aren't anything, which is sad. But to say her name, and have them say after that "who is dead" nearly ripped my heart out. I cried and cried. But I was so honored to go there and be the person proxy for her and do her work. Knowing the blessings she's going to receive and the new healed person she will be now without having to deal with the trials she had in this life. She won't have to deal with her bi-polar disorder, chemical imbalances, medication, drugs. Nothing. She's free. She's whole. I love the knowledge I have of Christ's plan for us. No matter how hard life is here, there is more waiting for us after. If anyone had a tough life here, Jessica is one of them. No she wasn't perfect, she didn't make right choices, and I can't completely blame her mental disorder, but to an extent, she doesn't have that burden and curse anymore. And I got to help with that.

Love you Jess. Miss you and will be so happy when I get to see your smiling face again.

Should I even ?

I debated whether or not I even wanted to update. I always want to have a positive spin on my posts. Even if I complain the whole time, at least have a little glimmer of hope in there so I don't seem like such a negative Nancy. But, this will not be one of those posts. This will be my whiny 5 yr old post. You have been warned. So stop reading if you don't wanna hear it. And, comments are encouraged, but believe me. I've heard it all. And this is more of a "let me just get it out" then "give me advice" Sorry if this hurts your feelings.

As you well know, I've been looking for a job since Sept. It's been the topic of posts quite a few times. We turned down BYU and Utah because we didn't want to struggle finding a job in Utah and starting over and blah blah blah. Well, ain't it my lucky day. I got an email back (finally) from my "boss" (skdfa!) like 2 weeks later telling him we should have a meeting to discuss my "situation" as it was called since I'm not going to Utah in May. Obviously, I'm still here. Well in his reply he said we could meet, but we do have situation since I'm not leaving in May. The funding for my position is ending. June 30. With me leaving there wasn't a problem (except I was never for sure leaving, and boss man woulda known that if he'd ever taken a second to talk to me about it and not Jingwei). But now that I'm staying, uh oh. "Plan accordingly." What do you think I've been doing since Sept.. ? Sitting around ? Every day I'm checking the same dang websites, looking for jobs, contacting HR people following up. Trying my hardest to get outta this place. Obviously, 8 months of applying for jobs has gotten me nothing. What the heck is supposed to happen in the next 5 weeks !

And my huge kicker. So we decided to stay here and not go to BYU cause we were already established here and blah blah. I had a job that I hated, but it was a steady paycheck, etc. Chris was established in school. Etc, etc. Well, by golly, if I had known my job was ending in June, the job I thought was secure, reliable, we woulda have put a heck of a lot more thought into go to Utah. Because now we're in the exact situation we didn't want to be in if we'd gone. Can't wait to throw that little piece of knowledge into someones face. Even if he'd doesn't care because no one cares about us lowly research techs.

So with all that, the stress of losing a job and everyone acting like its so simple to go get a job. Yes, I can broaden my horizons, yes I can apply everywhere (oh wait.. done) but I can't get just any job. I support us. I pay all the bills (barely) with my paycheck. Everything is a HUGE pay cut. HUGE. Not like oh, we can make it work. Like I'll work full time and Chris and me another part time job and we might make the same amount... I don't make a lot, I promise, but it works for us. So no, we can't just apply anywhere. And even when I do apply to jobs where I'd get $8 or $10 an hour, they don't hire me because its a huge pay cut and I'm over qualified. So don't tell me I'm not applying enough, or to everywhere.

Oh and don't tell me how you lost your job (and Brenda, I PROMISE this is not towards you. I'll explain to you if you call me :D) but don't tell me you lost your job with your 6+ kids and how you some how managed. Well guess what, life was a lot cheaper back in the 70's and 80's. You didn't need a degree to get a decent job. Life was different. I hate when I asked people I want comfort from, or some just empathy, "sorry your life sucks" instead I get this whole life story on how they did it, and how they learned. Well you know what, I'm done learning. 8 months of learning is good enough for me. And since I'm getting bitter and not hopeful and happy through this, I know it means I'm not done learning.

Ugh ! Stupid job. And with that comes a lot of little things that aren't even a big deal, since I'm stressed about that it makes everything 1,000x worse. Like the medical bills stacking up. Our fault for not paying them sooner, but that pile looks more daunting now that I may not have an income to eventually pay them off. Oh and my dream of getting out of my apartment before those ugly brown walls suffocate me, not gonna happen. We have insanely cheap rent, and with a new and probably lower paying job, we won't be able to get any other apartment, because they're all much more expensive. Oh and that dream I had of having a baby. Or at least having it soon. Nope. Put that on the back burner. I was stressed about money before, and then more stressed thinking about bringing a baby into that, and now... puh-lease.

Not gonna happen.

And I guess I will try to close with a little glimmer of hope. Trails are for our good. I know this. I know there is a reason why Chris and I keep hitting these walls. He's not even getting any jobs. There's a reason. I know that. I know this is a trial of my faith. I know that one day I will get a great job, and be able to look back on these past months and know why, and get the lesson and probably thank my Heavenly Father for putting us through something like this. We've made it through tougher times, times that I thought would kill me and never end. But we made it. And we're stronger, and wiser and a better couple because of it.

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord."

We have that promise. It's just hard some times. We try to do what is right. We try to be good members, read our scriptures, say our prayers, go to the Temple, do our family history. We're so involved in our callings at church. I just sit and ask, "What else do you want from me?" And then I look around and see others who don't try, who don't care, who aren't doing all the right things getting blessed, getting all the things we desire. And it's so frustrating, its so faith shaking. I know we are completely separate from them, how we live is no reflecting and vice versa. But sometimes its so hard to not compare.

Again, sorry. Feel free to comment. I don't want people to be offended. I promise the people I vent about would never read this in a million years. So if you read this, and think I'm talking about you, I'm not. If you still think I am, ask me. And I'll tell you who I'm talking about.

But thanks for listening. I promise the next post will be more upbeat, or have more shiny hopeful stuff in it.