Friday, September 8, 2017

If at first you don't succeed...

Every year, one Sunday is kind of "taken over" by the sweet primary aged kids in our congregations. [Usually ages 3-12] It's a chance for them to give the "sermon" and share their testimonies, their experiences and beliefs. They sing songs in between the little talks [or speeches] they give which sweetly and simply share their testimony and beliefs even further.

This is the first year I'm in charge of this 40 minute program, of 25 kids, as part of my calling as the Primary President. [[AH!]] Last year I was the lowly pianist for this program. Oh, that was the dream, kids! Don't mind me while I sob quietly in the corner reminiscing that beautiful moment.

OK! So, every year the lessons for these kids the leaders teach change. We focus on a different theme, have different subtopics we focus on, etc. So every year its different, based on what we've covered this year.

I remember the beautiful spring day when I thought so anti-procastinatingly that I'd start writing the program. [Mind you, the program is usually in the fall, so go me, productive president you.] HA. Let's take bets on how many of you actually thought I'd sat down waaaay back in the spring and wrote this program. It crept closer, it was always kind of looming in the back of my mind, and I'd always look at the calendar and think, "Psh, I've got time." We even scheduled the date with our congregation leadership before I'd written the program. This seems a little backwards.

Fast foward to a few weeks ago. I felt pretty good writing it in August. We had a bunch of kids move in over the summer, so I'm glad I waited to include them and not have to write in a bunch of new parts. We weren't going to practice until the end of Sept/beginning of October, so I had time before the looming "performance" date of Oct 22.

I sat down during one nap time, and busted that sucker out. I felt so good. I had all the speaking parts and talked grouped nicely in little themed bunches, followed by wonderful songs that summarized that section and packaged it all up nicely. HA. Who needs to start in the Spring when I clearly was able to do it in a few hours one day.

I think Satan may have heard that last part.

Cause BOOM. I went to save it. My mac has seen better days so it takes a good 5 mins for it to even register I'm trying to save something. As that little cursor is a-spinnin'... the seconds keep on a-tickin'. Five minutes goes by, [no sweat], 10 minutes goes by [ok, maybe a little sweat], 15... Uh oh. My computer is frozen. I can't click anything, with that danged spinning cursor. I can't switch to any other windows, restart Word... OH.NO. whatamigoingtodo!?

//restart computer//PRAY Word recovered the unsaved file [coolest feature ever, where was that in college, and why didn't I learn in college to SAVE AS YOU GO.]

Open word. Nothing. And "recovered" files weren't this lovely program I'd just written. Went into the brains of my computer to see if there was a trace of a recovered file, temporary file, any file.. nope. Nada. ::deeeeeep breathes, Haley::

I closed my computer, walked away, before I killed it and cried on my kitchen floor.

I told my fellow Primary leader, I guess something I'd written wasn't supposed to be spoken, or I'd left something out, or the program wasn't quite what the Lord wanted. Right? I was going to divine intervention instead of undivine mayhem. I'm convinced Satan controls electronics and thats why they reap so much destruction or always go wrong when you need them to, or that perfect video that's worked every time, stops working the second you need it for you Sunday School lesson. I know you know what I'm talking about. So I decided to err on the side of light, and I'd come back to it once my heart rate slowed down.

Uh... that was almost 3 weeks ago. Procrastinate much? I won't deny I wasn't a little bitter that'd I'd already sat down for hours, mapped it out, consulted the months and weeks of themes, the lists of kids on the rosters, who would be suited to read what parts, etc. I already did the work. So WHY was I being made to do it ALL over again??

Well as the days have crept through September, closing in on our first practice date, before which I need to hand out parts for kids to prepare and practice, a Bishop that needs to approve the program.. I finally sat down on this very late Thursday night to work on it.

Hopped up on far too much Pepsi, some beautiful simple church music playing, I started on that blank Word window. Now I'm not done. I have a few things to tweek. Some areas that need a little something. But I have it. 3 pages of glorious-ness [does that sound too prideful.. sorry!]

And as I scrolled over it, making notes on what to work on tomorrow, I felt in my heart, "This is what I wanted you to come up with."

So many times in our lives we are doing the Lord's work, whether in church areas, or in our own personal lives. We're working towards Him. And we have the plan, we have the idea of how its going to turn out, how its going to end up and be perfectly wrapped up in the end. And that final vision gets deleted. And we cry, or scream, or get angry that we did all this work, all this good work, what we thought was right, to have it all fall apart.

But once we stop, take a breath, hopefully say a prayer or two, and get back to work, we'll see, it ends up exactly how the Lord wanted it to end. And we almost always see His way was so much better than ours.

I know this program isn't going to change anyone's life. It's not going to rock someone to their soul, or change their entire perspective. They're usually just a sweet simple reminder of how adorable the kids in the church are, and the simple truths they come to testify of.

But you know what. This primary program changed my perspective. 💗

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Be Still & Know

I consider myself to be a pretty happy person. When things go wrong or get me down, I find some chocolate (obviously, have you seen me lately lol), have a good cry, text "my person" and pick up the next day and go on. I'm pretty good at this.

I've had some pretty low moments in my life. Nothing too crazy or intense, in comparison to some, but for me. And its always amazing and a testament to me to look back and think, "Hey, I did that. Look what I made it through!"

What's getting me right now is I can't put my finger on what the heck is wrong. I just feel like there is an icy cold grip on my heart. Is this what anxiety feels like? I'm generally pretty go with the flow, so if something is bothering me I just sit back, watch some Netflix and get back to life when I feel like it. But lately it's been more of keep busy so I don't stop and think, I don't feel this feeling. What is that !

I can probably list some things that it could be... Scrolling through facebook and seeing all the craziness going on, geez. I mean my life isn't that bad. But I'm not saying my life is peachy-keen right now either. We've all got our share of behind the scenes burdens, that either we're used to carrying so we don't notice or we're in denial we're carrying. Maybe because anything I could attribute this to is out of my control. 100%. If you know me, this sucks. I HATE to not be in control. I always have an answer. I have a plan. I have a solution.

And I guess I do have a solution. Maybe. When I was thinking of sharing this, probably more for me than anyone else, ya know, therapeutic, get it out, blah blah blah. For some reason the same scripture kept popping into my head.  Depending on your religious affiliation its Pslams 46:10 or my for LDS readers out there D&C 101:16.  "Be still and know that I am God."

There it is.

For my purposes I'll refer to the D&C scripture. Especially since its surrounding text has a little more meaning for my heart.

That whole scripture reads:

Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.

I love that only part of this scripture was whispered to my aching heart. I had to go seek it out. Love that. Make me work.

Let my heart be comforted concerning Zion. How did it know I was worried about my future, my families future, our salvation. The first part. Be comforted. ::Breathe, Haley:: We're all taken care of. Not just me and mine, but all flesh is in His hands. He's got us, guys. He's taking care of us. Be comforted, because He's holding us. Remember the kids' song, He's got the whole world in His hands? It's true.

And then, be still. //Stop stressing, Haley// Just be. Be here and now. Don't worry about what's coming. I mean still plan and work and do things, but not with fear. Only faith.

And probably my favorite part. Know that I am God. <3

How do you come to know God? For me its scriptures and prayer. Well, duh I'm afraid and lacking faith, I can't tell how long its been since I've read scriptures, for me. It's been weeks. Solution #1 ! No brainer, I know. And prayer. Lately, I find myself only guiltily praying when I need something. "Oh hey, um.. sorry its been a while, but... i need this favor 😬😬" Yup thats me. So solution #2. Pray! My Heavenly Father cares that I'm worried, tired, stressed, overwhelmed, scared, happy, sad, excited, nervous, WHATEVER. Just as a parent wants to hear how every detail of your kids day was (well most days 😜) that's how our Heavenly Father is. He wants to know how your day went, He knows. But he still wants to hear it.  And lastly, I can know God by simply just watching. Watching the sunset. Watch the wind blow my clean clothes. Watch my kids play (hopefully sweetly together). And there we have it, looping back around to being still.

I'm sure I'm not that only one that deals with these (hopefully) mild anxiety moments. Hats off to people who have bigger issues and deal with this more often, constantly. My heart goes out to you. And I know sometimes praying and scriptures aren't enough. But for now, that's my prescription. Because that was my first question. When was the last time I'd done these things. Weeks. Well no wonder you've felt "off" for that time. Seek help if you need it. Whether from a doctor or the Healer of our Souls.

This was long. Sorry. Again, hopefully this was just therapeutic for me. If you made it this far, I'll give you a cookie next time we meet !
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