Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Should I even ?

I debated whether or not I even wanted to update. I always want to have a positive spin on my posts. Even if I complain the whole time, at least have a little glimmer of hope in there so I don't seem like such a negative Nancy. But, this will not be one of those posts. This will be my whiny 5 yr old post. You have been warned. So stop reading if you don't wanna hear it. And, comments are encouraged, but believe me. I've heard it all. And this is more of a "let me just get it out" then "give me advice" Sorry if this hurts your feelings.

As you well know, I've been looking for a job since Sept. It's been the topic of posts quite a few times. We turned down BYU and Utah because we didn't want to struggle finding a job in Utah and starting over and blah blah blah. Well, ain't it my lucky day. I got an email back (finally) from my "boss" (skdfa!) like 2 weeks later telling him we should have a meeting to discuss my "situation" as it was called since I'm not going to Utah in May. Obviously, I'm still here. Well in his reply he said we could meet, but we do have situation since I'm not leaving in May. The funding for my position is ending. June 30. With me leaving there wasn't a problem (except I was never for sure leaving, and boss man woulda known that if he'd ever taken a second to talk to me about it and not Jingwei). But now that I'm staying, uh oh. "Plan accordingly." What do you think I've been doing since Sept.. ? Sitting around ? Every day I'm checking the same dang websites, looking for jobs, contacting HR people following up. Trying my hardest to get outta this place. Obviously, 8 months of applying for jobs has gotten me nothing. What the heck is supposed to happen in the next 5 weeks !

And my huge kicker. So we decided to stay here and not go to BYU cause we were already established here and blah blah. I had a job that I hated, but it was a steady paycheck, etc. Chris was established in school. Etc, etc. Well, by golly, if I had known my job was ending in June, the job I thought was secure, reliable, we woulda have put a heck of a lot more thought into go to Utah. Because now we're in the exact situation we didn't want to be in if we'd gone. Can't wait to throw that little piece of knowledge into someones face. Even if he'd doesn't care because no one cares about us lowly research techs.

So with all that, the stress of losing a job and everyone acting like its so simple to go get a job. Yes, I can broaden my horizons, yes I can apply everywhere (oh wait.. done) but I can't get just any job. I support us. I pay all the bills (barely) with my paycheck. Everything is a HUGE pay cut. HUGE. Not like oh, we can make it work. Like I'll work full time and Chris and me another part time job and we might make the same amount... I don't make a lot, I promise, but it works for us. So no, we can't just apply anywhere. And even when I do apply to jobs where I'd get $8 or $10 an hour, they don't hire me because its a huge pay cut and I'm over qualified. So don't tell me I'm not applying enough, or to everywhere.

Oh and don't tell me how you lost your job (and Brenda, I PROMISE this is not towards you. I'll explain to you if you call me :D) but don't tell me you lost your job with your 6+ kids and how you some how managed. Well guess what, life was a lot cheaper back in the 70's and 80's. You didn't need a degree to get a decent job. Life was different. I hate when I asked people I want comfort from, or some just empathy, "sorry your life sucks" instead I get this whole life story on how they did it, and how they learned. Well you know what, I'm done learning. 8 months of learning is good enough for me. And since I'm getting bitter and not hopeful and happy through this, I know it means I'm not done learning.

Ugh ! Stupid job. And with that comes a lot of little things that aren't even a big deal, since I'm stressed about that it makes everything 1,000x worse. Like the medical bills stacking up. Our fault for not paying them sooner, but that pile looks more daunting now that I may not have an income to eventually pay them off. Oh and my dream of getting out of my apartment before those ugly brown walls suffocate me, not gonna happen. We have insanely cheap rent, and with a new and probably lower paying job, we won't be able to get any other apartment, because they're all much more expensive. Oh and that dream I had of having a baby. Or at least having it soon. Nope. Put that on the back burner. I was stressed about money before, and then more stressed thinking about bringing a baby into that, and now... puh-lease.

Not gonna happen.

And I guess I will try to close with a little glimmer of hope. Trails are for our good. I know this. I know there is a reason why Chris and I keep hitting these walls. He's not even getting any jobs. There's a reason. I know that. I know this is a trial of my faith. I know that one day I will get a great job, and be able to look back on these past months and know why, and get the lesson and probably thank my Heavenly Father for putting us through something like this. We've made it through tougher times, times that I thought would kill me and never end. But we made it. And we're stronger, and wiser and a better couple because of it.

"Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord."

We have that promise. It's just hard some times. We try to do what is right. We try to be good members, read our scriptures, say our prayers, go to the Temple, do our family history. We're so involved in our callings at church. I just sit and ask, "What else do you want from me?" And then I look around and see others who don't try, who don't care, who aren't doing all the right things getting blessed, getting all the things we desire. And it's so frustrating, its so faith shaking. I know we are completely separate from them, how we live is no reflecting and vice versa. But sometimes its so hard to not compare.

Again, sorry. Feel free to comment. I don't want people to be offended. I promise the people I vent about would never read this in a million years. So if you read this, and think I'm talking about you, I'm not. If you still think I am, ask me. And I'll tell you who I'm talking about.

But thanks for listening. I promise the next post will be more upbeat, or have more shiny hopeful stuff in it.


  1. It's difficult, trying, discouraging, unsettling, nerve-wracking, ulcer-causing, and panic-inducing, but you and Chris will come through this just fine. Don't compare yourself to anyone else or their situation. The Lord knows YOU and he will give YOU the strength to get through.

    I know you're not asking for advice and encouragement, but read Pres Eyring's talk "Mountains to Climb" from conference.

    Love you!

  2. Haley,

    I know how you feel, exactly! I know we grow when we suffer, but sometimes I wonder how "tall" I need to be?! Scott has been looking for a new job for months and we are in a similar boat, we have to make x amount to just survive. No frills. No extras.

    But, one day when I was particularly stressed about our situation you posted on facebook, "having faith in the Lord means having faith in His timing." And that has helped me through a lot of hard, stressful, days. I love you, Haley. The Lord does too, and one day you will look back on this with a knowing, "ahhhh haaaa, that is what we had to learn."

    In the mean time, call me whenever you need an ear.

    Auntie Kate

  3. Haley,
    Have to admit I got teary eyed reading your post. I know exactly what and how your feeling. Being married almost 22 years we still struggle and have a hard time making ends meet and now we have one on a mission about to come home and then two heading for college.. very stressful! I stress easy also. I just know that paying our tithing and doing what we need to do the lord help us through. All I can say is I am Sorry and Hang in there. You'll make it though. I agree with the two other post before mine, great words of wisdom. love ya dear.


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