Hello 2019

Hello 2019.
A new year.
A new you. Full of potential, 365 days, all the options, adventures. For lots of people, full of new years resolutions. I'm already dreading the crowded gym full of the would-be's (that I've TOTALLY been 100 times) and patiently waiting until they quit and I can get on my treadmill in peace. I sound so rude. But really, I AM happy people make goals, shoot for the stars, etc. We're supposed to.

I actually love resolutions. I can't really remember all the past years worth of resolutions that have changed my life, probably cause they only lasted until Feb. 1, maybe. But with 2017 & 2018's resolution to run a 5K (yes it took 2 years.. shh!) I feel like I can do all the things.

So not really thinking of this as a new years resolution I'm shooting for a 10K this year and starting this clean eating challenge. NOT a diet. I hate that word. Ugh. And when I talk about it, people are like yeah, new years, shocking, lose weight, so original, blah blah. NOPE. I mean yes, that would be amazing, but no. Here's why.

For almost two years now I've been trying to have a baby. I'm open to talking about it especially when I get those sassy people who ask, "so when are you having more? Lizzys so big, when's the next coming?" etc etc. And I proceed to tell them waaaay back in 2017 I got off my birth control because of complications and we figured it was God's way of telling us to stop stalling. So we were fine to go along with that. I was frustrated to say the least when a few months rolled by and nothing. With Logan and Lizzy we've never had any trouble and if it took a few months it was because Chris was gone for work or something. Fast forward to countless pregnancy tests, fertility blogs, cycle tracking apps, in April 2018 we finally got a positive test! 11 months later. That looming 12 month deadline hanging over my head that something bigger was wrong. So FINALLY was all I could think. Except that only lasted for a week. One beautiful week of plans and dodging the infertility bullet. But it ended in a miscarriage. I'd had one before Lizzy so I knew what to except, except this time it hurt 1000x worse because we had waited so long. And we were back to square one.

Anywho, its now January 2019, and I wish I could make some huge announcement and say 2019 is going to be the year for us ! Needless to say, I am not pregnant. I didn't have a miracle conception that squeezed in right before Chris left on any of his flights when they fell RIGHT when I was ovulating. And finding out we weren't going to have any kids in 2019 on Christmas Eve was the hardest part to date. Chris is gone for 3 months. Add 3 more months of waiting.

SO moving on. Our fertility journey is actually NOT the point of this post. Its just something I've had weighing on me for (almost) years now and I hate the stigma so here I am talking about it so I can help banish the stigma.

So as 2019 rang in, new and wonderful, I sat with my fresh new amazing planner on the 2019 goals & resolutions page, staring. What was my resolution for this year? What were my goals, what was my "word" of the year? Because its ALWAYS going to be a baby. My goal is to have a baby. But I've done all I can for that. It's completely out of my control and I hate how obsessed I am and how much it floods my every thought and steals every moment from me. So I need to make a goal that I can control.  ((Cue my 5K's slow motion video montage in my brain.))

I can do hard things.
My body CAN do amazing incredible things. I HAS done them.

Never ever in my whole entire life have I EVER been able to run a 1/2 mile without dying. And now I can run 3.1 miles and cheer at the end. WHUT. But through patience and diligence I was able to train and get my beautifully created body to a place where it could run that. Happily. Our bodies are pretty amazing things.

So I've decided this new year, to resolve to LOVE my body for what it CAN do and what is HAS done.

My body can run.
I am going to make it run further.

My body has birthed babies.
I pray & hope there are more and it can do it again.

I want to focus on the good of my body. Not the bad.

My word this year is "Peace" and I feel that goes along with all this. I can be at peace with where my body is, what it's capable of doing, and what I have control over in regards to it.

I choose peace in 2019.

See ya at the finish line.