Define my life

Frustrate verb definition: thwart, disappoint  synonyms: baffle, beat, conquer, dash one's hope, discourage, dishearten, give the run around, upset the apple cart.

My job frustrates me.

My job baffles me, beats me, conquers me, dashes my hopes, discourages me, disheartens me, gives me the run around (that's an understatement), my job upsets the apple cart. I had to put a little humor in there.

Anytime I try to be upbeat, try to be positive, something else comes and "dashes my hopes." I'm really not as "boo hoo" as I'm saying in this post. I'm mostly exhausted. I just don't care anymore. Sometimes I just need to say something because no one understands. No one gets this job, the crap I've been put through. Even if I had the time to tell the story, I can't convey the emptiness I feel walking down these halls that I once looked forward to each morning. It meant progress, learning, science !

So this isn't a pity party. It's just me, venting, to a blog that I can reread later and understand those feelings I've had for 10 months now... goodness. It's been 10 months.

Here's to a new month. Maybe things will start to look up in August. Crazy it's almost August.

Two weeks in a row!

Not too shabby if I say so myself. I find myself going through the week looking for stuff to remember to share later. Usually I forget them. But oh well. It makes me notice things more. It's fun.

So there's a lot going on in my head. So many decisions. I wish I could just make one big one, and not have to do anything else for a while. Just live off that decision... too bad. So I feel bad for being a downer but I've been working in this new lab for about two weeks. I know, two whole weeks Haley, keep your mouth shut. But it's a joke. I wish I could draw a diagram so you could understand the chaos that is my job. So I'll use words you don't know, but just pretend and nod like you know what I'm saying. If you really want to know what stuff means, just ask.

So from day 1 I'm working with Dr Wang. But during vacation, she emails me and says ask Dr Norton what I'm doing. He then tells me I'm working with Molly on her project (I love Molly, btw. We have too much fun. It's probably not allowed but it makes time go by so much faster). I figure I'm working on her stuff since she's a student volunteer who's leaving at the end of this week (tear) and then I can just pick up where she left off. Sounds great so far. Then later that day, oh never mind, you're new priority is going to be this grant project that should have been done years ago...uh, ok. Fine by me. I don't care what I'm doing as long as I know what I'm doing. So Paula & I are on this grant project and we'll do it and it will get done in a month-ish and then NEXT. Except we don't know how to do this. Apprently no one does. Apparently those who have "done" it don't know how to do it. And change their story every other day. "It worked last time" or "This never worked! It's a waste" so... what have you been doing for 2 years with these people's money? Who knows. And it's like everyday is up in the air: are we doing the experiment? are we not? are the calculations done? are they not? we need to order something, is it here yet? seriously? one week for one experiment. It should be 1 day for 1 experiment. No joke. Whatever.

I really do like the project I'm working on with Molly. Except no one can give me straight answers about how things work, primers, PCR, rolling circle, etc. Come on! You people have been doing this for-EVER how don't you know how it works. I'm the kind of person that needs order, that needs clear instructions and needs information if you want me to understand. I mean, I can just be a lab monkey and follow protocols and plug along. If something goes wrong I'll be clueless and have no way of analyzing and troubleshooting. I'd love to do that. "No thinking required" but that's not what you want from me. You want me to think, to deduce, to figure stuff out. How can I when I only have parts of the puzzle. Arg.

So with that set up. I need a new life plan. Cause this won't work for 2 years (less than!) and there isn't much popping up.  So my dear friend Sammy said she gets her tuition paid for by Rutgers as long as she works full time. Silly me, I promise I read when I first started that Marshall would cover one class for me while I work full time if it was relevant to my job. Scratch that. I don't want anymore bio classes (This is a lie now. I'd love a refresher. I'm so dumb to this stuff now!) After some research, guess what ! As long as I've worked past the probationary period (which I have) I'm eligible for tuition waver.. Say What ! I sent some emails out and am waiting on info. So we shall see. I'd really love to get into that masters program (not sure if I've said anything about it) but briefly, sorry if I repeat, it's a masters program to get your teaching cert. if you already have an undergrad degree, which I do. So bio/science teacher it is (yuck, math please?). And its I think 39credit hours and that's doable in less than 2 years, which is what Chris has left. Tada ! New life plan :] unfortunately I'm too late to get into the program this fall, but spring is just around the corner. Hopefully, I'll hear back from info people and get something going. In the mean time I'm looking at silly classes to take this fall if I can: mythology, art history, spanish, stuff I couldn't ever take when I was undergrad cause I had a crazy intense science schedule.

The only downfall, is putting so much on hold if I have to work full time and classes full time. Not fun. So we'll see what the people say. Hopefully I only need to work certain hours (less than full time, please!) and then I can get the tuition help, but who knows. I love how things work out. And they don't just simply work out. Previous post: gotta love His plan :] He definitely knows what He's doing in my life. God answers prayers in three ways: Yes, No, or I have something better.

Why didn't I get that other job that would have been amazing! I kicked and screamed and cried. Why am I still at Marshall ! If this works out, maybe that's why... I wouldn't have had a way to pay for it if I left this job. Maybe I need this teaching cert for the future. Who knows. I don't. So I'll just keep doing what I do.

Bring on the Toys*R*Us song

I don't want to grow up, I'm a toys*r*us kid... etc etc.


Boy oh boy does being a grown up have its set backs. I remember looking at grown ups when I was little like "wow! they sure have got it all and know everything ! i can't wait to be just like them" and now... where are those grown ups who know everything? Cause it sure as heck isn't me !

I've decided I don't like making decisions. Well, except for that decisions to not like decisions. But I've known this for quite some time. I don't like to choose. Just tell me what to do and where to go. Unless I really don't like something. Then I'm ok making the decision against it. Are you confused yet? Welcome to
my brain !


So Chris has been looking into buying a car to replace mine Elantra for forever. We wanted to sell mine and then find a good deal and ta-da! New car for me. But, no calls from anyone interested in my car for 3 weeks. Even posting it on Craigs List and reducing the price. Chris is tired of putting money into the repairs and stressing about me getting stuck on the side of the road (oh, it happened). He wants a piece of mind. I understand. This is one thing I don't get stressed about. Maybe because all his paychecks go towards fixing it and I don't see the actual cost. And I honestly don't care when I get stuck on the side of the road as long as I have my handy dandy kindle. But he's sick of it. We've looked online at everything from Cleveland to NYC and Virginia and Myrtle while we were there. Nothing seems to be good and cheap anymore. Even cars that are 150k+ miles are so expensive. What's up with that! Well he went to a St Albans dealer and found one he really liked. He wanted me to really like it so we went to check it out. 3 hours later, a few phone calls and about a million signatures later, I'm a proud new owner of a Toyota Matrix. YAY! I've always wanted a Toyota. They last for-ev-er! And it's a Matrix which my mom always said she could see me driving around it since she first saw a Matrix. 

Isn't she pretty ! She wasn't cheap. Nothing is these days. But our car payment (ouch, that hurts to say) is cheaper than what I was paying to pay off my car before. And insurance won't go up by much (yay, and dangit, I gotta call them! Someone remind me later!) 

I love her tho. She's pretty, drive so different. She's newer than my old car. 2001 vs 2008. I gotta get used to that. But she's pretty. My beautiful Melody Matrix <3 I love naming cars. My Elantra's name was Elvira!

I just realized through this whole thing how hard it is making decisions. And this is something that isn't even going to affect my life forever and ever and ever. It's a big decision, don't get me wrong. Debt and car payments and loans are scary and in this economic climate, probably not the smartest move. But if I freak out about these kinds of decisions, what about the ones that really matter... Like having children, teaching and raising those children. What about when they start making decisions, and ask me questions and Ah ! And jobs. Ugh, I want to find something else. I want to take the risk, but it's so scary. What if its not good either, what if it's not enough. There's just so many variables (that's my science brain talking). 

My comfort is knowing nothing is set in stone. We can always try again. Yeah, we will always have consequences, (ie debt, bad credit, payments, etc) but knowing I'm human and I can make mistakes comforts me. That's why we came here. We knew we'd mess up, knew we'd make mistakes, again and again. But we were so excited for this life anyways, because we knew we'd learn. We knew we would return to our Heavenly Father better because of it. So I keep trying to tell myself when I get that scary little flutter in my stomach, it's ok. Heavenly Father is watching and He'll take care of me. Especially when it comes to the children thing. What better time to help me than when it comes to having and raising His sons and daughters. He's a parent. The perfect parent. Why not go to Him when I'm freaking out about that stuff. (Side note: no I'm not pregnant. Don't ask. I'll pee on a stick for you if you don't believe me!) I'm a planner and I think of these things. And people say things and they make me think of these things. So I'm always thinking of these things ! And I plan. 

But luckily I just have to have faith in one plan :] His.

Relax

So life has been wonderful this last three weeks I guess. Girls Camp was amazing ! I loved it ! It was super hectic and I probably cried/wanted to cry like 100 times. It's always so stressful until its over. I just try to control too much. I want things to go perfectly and they never do. Ever. So I get frustrated cause it's not going how I planned. "But it's in the notebook like this, so it has to go like this !" just doesn't work at camp.  And I realized I was missing the point. The point of camp isn't a schedule or the plan. I was in charge of devotionals, the spiritual part of camp. The big group things every night. Instead of just letting them happen, instead of the girls getting those lessons and refueling I would rush and cut things short and basically let them miss out on amazing lessons. Shame on me! I finally caught on. After a lot of prayer and humbling, I had to stop. I stepped back. I had to stop controlling the Lord's work. I was just supposed to be a tool in His hands, not the master. That's His job. And things didn't go how I wanted, but I'm the tool. I just had to stop. And we had amazing things happen. Amazing activities. Oh I love learning lessons, even if it's the hard way. Please refer me to this post next year when I'm freaking out again.


All in all it was a good week. My sweet husband surprised me and came into camp. It was awesome. I love when he does that. Except that it was 1am and he slept in the car. But he had a blast. The girls loved him. And I love him. I wonder when we'll start for next year. Haha

Then I had a down week at work since I was done working for one guy and was supposed to be working for the new people, but they wanted to wait until after all the vacations. So... I came to work. Sort of. I did bring my computer home, and I did work on stuff. Probably not 8 hrs of stuff, but I got my work done. Thank you. The only thing I can't get done requires a computer that's with IT and I have no control over that. Oh well. So I basically hung out with my brother while he was at our apt and worked on the computer stuff. Nice in between. Friday was hectic trying to get the last bit of work done and get ready for the beach and all that. Stress!

And then the beach. Oh the beach. I wanted to cry. Three years is too long. Way too long. I seriously feel rejuvenated. There's just something about the sun, the waves, the sounds, everything.  People would complain that there were loud people on the beach and I don't even notice. It all blends together in my head. And I was probably those annoying people once upon a time. Man I could write a million posts on the beach. Its my heaven. I missed it.


We had 17 people. Yup, in a 3 bedroom resort condo thing. Two full beds, two king beds, two couch beds and two blow up mattresses. We got the master bedroom the first three nights. Amazing ! Jacuzzi tub and our own bathroom, TV, everything. It was sweet. There wasn't that much drama as I thought with that many people, in that small of space. It's just so hard to coordinate so many wants. That was the frustrating part. And waiting. Ugh, so many wasted day light hours on waiting.  But it was a blast. The best vacation I've had in a while. I'll do the beach any day. Every day.

Wish I knew the people in the background tehe

So much love for this kid !

Ok so much for being brief about what I've been up to. I really had like a whole deep post I wanted to go into, but this seems long enough already.